… Sending in my adoption papers to open my file and start the search for my birth parents and I finally cried about it. September 28th is my birthday and I usually have a good cry on my birthday or right around it. Birthdays are a little different for me compared to most people; sometimes I’m really excited about them and other years I am well, to quote Anchorman, “I’m in a glass cage of emotion.”
Sometimes I feel bad about making my parents celebrate my birthday because they weren’t there for my birth so I figure it doesn’t have that same sort of excitement for them as other parents do on their kid’s birthday. We do, however, celebrate our Family Anniversary on March 18th, which is the day I met my parents. That’s the day closest to a birthday in some ways because my mom or dad always tells their story about meeting me and wanting to take me home right away; it’s our equivalent to the rush to the hospital or something like that. Instead, my parents had to rush to KMart in Dallas to grab any sort of baby supplies they would need in order to bring their baby home. [I can totally picture my dad in line thinking of what all he had to get-- diapers, a car seat, clothes, food, and who knows what else he grabbed-- and being so excited but so worried he forgot something important.]. But when it comes to birthdays, I’m either excited or I just break down and sob and ask myself questions about the day I was born.
This birthday, it was a sob-fest. I did fine today at work (I love my job and I work with special needs kids so it’s hard to have moments alone to think about things) and then I got home and I started to have some weird feelings and then later this evening I just started bawling like a baby- no pun intended. I usually think about random details about the day I was born like: was my birth mother all alone when she was giving birth? Did she even hold me when I was born? Did she go to see me in the nursery room? Did anyone else know she was even having me that day? Did I go home with her for a little bit or did I go straight to foster care after being discharged? Who cut the cord when I was born? Did she even look at me the day I was born? Did she sign me over right away or wait and struggle about it and go back and forth about her decision? Did she regret it ever?
Yes, that’s not an uncommon birthday for me. And yes, just about every birthday I’ve had so far I think about these things. It’s not always fun to have these questions looming but it’s my reality.
And of course my parents always made my birthdays special– I had the roller skating party, the sleepover with me and 15 others girls from my class when I was 10, the one at Discovery Zone (kind of like Chuck E Cheese), and even one where I got a car (actually, 3 of those because I destroyed two cars…). My parents never once made me feel awkward on my birthday and were always there for me to talk to– and again, we have a wonderful relationship. I know if I needed them on a birthday I could call and they’d be on the first flight out because they’re my mom and dad and they’re awesome. But, it’s just my birthday– an incredibly exciting and weird day for me.
So, obviously, this birthday is very different. I have all of my paperwork ready to go. I got my paperwork notarized on Tuesday, which was a neat experience in itself because the woman notarizing my paperwork had the same birthday as me! I like to think God used that to let me know He is watching me throughout this process and that He has a sense of humor. But everything is ready to go. Chris has the day off tomorrow and we’re going to the post office together after I get home from work.
While I am bringing up Chris, I have to say I’ve been immensely blessed with the perfect man for me– God knew what He was doing when He brought us together. He’s the most patient man ever, so loving, so attentive, so supportive, and he gives the best hugs. Tonight he just listened to me And held me as I rambled on and on and cried. He’s just amazing! I could yell it to the world but my neighbors would get upset.
But right now, I feel at peace, even with getting my big crying session out of my system. I am hopeful that I have a sibling that is looking for me, but I know that might not happen now, if ever. I’m a little hopeful that my birth mother is open to meeting me, but I’m realistic in knowing that she chose a closed adoption and she may never wish for contact. And I’m hopeful that my birth father knew about me and maybe wants to meet me, but I’m also realistic in that he may not even know that I exist. Whatever happens, happens. Plus, I have a terrific mom and dad that I love and have no desire to replace. The three of us have a wonderful relationship and it just gets better all the time. And I have my husband and our little family is together forever, no matter what happens with this or anything else.
Above all of that, I believe God had His hand in all of this. I believe He is watching over me, He is guiding me, He is protecting me. I know that whatever happens, be it meeting a whole group of people I’m related to or nothing ever happening with this, He will be there with me every step of the way. Tonight, I’m going to sleep in prayer for my birth family. I’m praying that they know God. I’m praying that they have peace in their lives. I’m praying that my birth mother will have some sort of peace on this September 28th that she made the right choice 26 years ago and that her daughter is okay. And I’m praying for my mom and dad, that they know they did a great job taking are of me and making me safe, loved, and taken care of. And I’m praying for myself, that I will continue to give any stresses of this journey over to Him and trust that He Is in control.
So, I’m just minutes away from turning 26 (I don’t know what time I was actually born at) and the only thing I have to fear is getting wrinkles as I get older. Thank you, Jesus, that wrinkles are the worst of my worries!